Characters of Alpha Beta

Patrons

Player

As the protagonist of the game, the player is never seen nor heard. He or she pushes a shopping cart around and is the only character in the game with the ability to take something off of the shelves.

Bread / M&M&Ms Lady

Bread / M&M&Ms Lady approaching the bread

Bread / M&M&Ms Lady walks back and forth between the front endcaps of the store's leftmost aisle. She debates how many loaves of bread and bags of M&M&Ms he needs to buy, and what to do with the colors of M&M&Ms that she doesn't like.

In the Oral History, it was made clear that Bread/M&M&Ms Lady is in fact female, not male (as had been previously noted on this Wiki).

Voiced By: Sarah

Catchphrase: “Okay, so I need to buy some M&Ms, and I need to buy a loaf of bread, maybe I need to buy two loaves of bread, and one M&M&Ms &Ms, and then, oh, but I don't want to get too many of these because I don't like all the colors, but maybe if I buy five bags of M&Ms &Ms and one bag of bread I can put the M&M&Ms I don't like in the sandwich and give them to my friend, and my friend will take it, and she will eat it, or she will put it in her lunch box and she'll give it to her brother, and then he's going to go to the store, also and he's going to try and return it, and I don't think they're going to take it back because they don't like to buy M&M&Ms that have already been opened and all of the green ones have been taken out and been put into this bread sandwich that's… I don't even know what kind of bread it is.”

Existential Crisis Lady

Existential Crisis Lady at a corner of her loop

Existential Crisis Lady walks in a square around the store's produce section. She is on the brink of a major breakdown.

Voiced By: Valerie

Catchphrase: “Ahh, see, this is exactly why I love Alpha Beta, it's so brightly lit… there's so many options, so many options. Oh! This is cheaper than it is at Alpha Gamma Meta. Oh yeah, of course! So I think I'm going to get – I'm going to get poor, and then hmm. I'm a little bit lost. Where am I? Hmm. Well. Beets? Beets? What do you make with beets? Oh I don't really know. I don't know why I go grocery shopping here, everybody does it online nowadays. Oh, I don't know. But, hmm. Oh, there seem to be a lot of birthday cakes here today. Is it - I wonder, I do wonder. Is it a lot of birthdays at this time of year? I don't know. Hmm, maybe not. Hmm, or maybe there are more - I don't know, I don't know, I'm just going to keep going. Hmm.”

Shoppers of the Month

Shoppers of the month Jay and Sam.

Hanging on the wall behind the Bakery Counter Man is a photo of the shoppers of the month. The photo depicts Jay and Sam.

The photo is from Jay's 29th Birthday Party.

Employees

Greeter Man

It is unclear whether Greeter Man is one of the cashiers or a voice played over Alpha Beta's PA system.

Voiced By: Andrew

Catchphrases:

  • “Welcome to Alpha Beta. We appreciate your patronage.”
  • “Thank you for shopping at Alpha Beta. We hope to see you again soon.”

Cashiers

The cashiers

There are three cashiers. They stand on the opposite side of the checkout lane than normal. When the player enters a lane, the cashier will read back the player's items one-by-one. No matter which aisle the player enters, it is always the same cashier doing the checkout.

Voiced By: Andrew

Bathroom Cashier

The Bathroom Cashier

There is a fourth cashier in the back right corner of the store who informs customers that the bathrooms are for employees only. He does not appear to be near the bathrooms. In fact, it is unclear if the store has bathrooms at all.

Catchphrase: “Bathrooms are for employees only.”

Parking Lot Attendant

The parking lot attendant is unseen. Her voice comes over the PA system to inform the owner of a blue SUV that it needs to be moved.

Voiced By: Sarah

Catchphrase: “Attention shoppers: if you are the owner of a blue SUV, that is a blue sports utility vehicle with the license plate GOMN12P3N5IS, please move your car immediately, you are blocking a delivery. Thank you.”

Bakery Counter Man

Bakery Counter Man at the apex of a squat

He stands behind the bakery counter doing squats.

Voiced By: Yotam

Catchphrases:

  • “Don't mind me, I'm just doing some squats!”
  • “Would you like a birthday cake?”
  • “Have a pie!”
  • “The cookies are terrible.”

Free Bacon Man

He is heard, but not seen, announcing a sale on bacon in the back of store.

Voiced By: Valerie

Catchphrase: “Today's timed special is: bacon. Sale on bacon for the next one minute. 100% off.”

The Mysterious Roaming Ghost

An unseen employee, perhaps hiding inside of store hardware, who remarks on the current status of the store.

Voiced By: Sarah

Catchphrases:

  • “Shh. We're out of dog food.”
  • “Cleanup on aisle six. I think somebody threw up there.”

Secret Congress

It is not clear what is happening with or inside of the sectioned off space directly adjacent to AlphaBeta. By accessing the top of the far left shelving unit we've spied this secret congress. Mystery Checkout Counter Guy and Mystery Shopper seem to be the only attendees. A lonely balloon hints at some potential relationship to the Party. They cannot be spied from the street exploiting the Get Out While You Can trick; they are only viewable by Hotboxing the Stockroom or 50-50ing the Shelves.

The Secret Congress is listening to Wake Me Up by Swedish DJ Avicii and giggling.

They were most likely added after the creation of this wiki. After the secret-congress had been discovered, the mysterious shopper of the month portal was implemented.

Voiced by: Sarah and Valerie

Catchphrase: “Hello Mr. Zehngebot. And hello Mr. Brenner. (Indecipherable) You can write a wiki about it! But it turns out - you guys have just started to scratch the surface! You don't know anything about me Wikipedia! You just wait! You just wait and see! (Laughing)”

Party Attendees

Developer Dude

Developer Dude explains the process of adding a product to the shelves of Alpha Beta.

Voiced By: Sarah

Catchphrase: “Okay, so, create a plane, drop in an image, go to Camera > Top View, trace the image using the bezier tool, hmm, use the Move tool to adjust the points, then extrude the NURBS, make the child, make the spline the child of the NURBS. Switch the camera to perspective. Fix the values to zero and twenty. Tap C to make it editable. Okay, right click to connect and delete. Then drop on the banana texture. Change Layout to UV Edit. UV Mesh. Show UV Mesh. Okay, select the UV Face Detection tool. Click on the model. Command-A. Take a screenshot of the UV map. Okay, then open up Photoshop. Drag in the image, and take a screenshot. Then, use - align - align it with the screenshot. Don't get confused.”

New Age Lady

New Age Lady has purple hair and wears a green jumpsuit.

Voiced By: Sarah

Catchphrase: “Yeah, so then, I guess like, ugh, (undecipherable) but that thing costs like $300 and I was like, you know what, that's too expensive, I just don't want to buy things like that. I mean, like, some people just spend all their money on the stupidest stuff. And like, I only buy things that I really care about, like kombucha, and like, other things, you know? Like, I really care about, like, my health, you know, like, I think that health is like the most important thing in the world, and like, you know, I think it's really gross when people are just like, ugh, I'm just like, about their body, and, like, do whatever I want all the time, like, you know, it's like you only have one body and, like, it's not like you can treat it however you want, you know, like, there are like rules.”

Man Baby

Man Baby sits on the floor talking to a clone of Developer Dude about his high-pitched voice.

Voiced By: Sarah

Catchphrase: “Some people think that I sound like a baby, and I don't - you know, it's not my fault that I have a really, really high voice. And it makes me more nervous and more embarrassed when people point out how high-pitched my voice is, and when it happens, I just want to cry, you know, and then I really feel like a baby.”

Free Food Tagalong

This guy came with his friend, a clone of New Age Lady. He was expecting free food and, realizing that there isn't any available, is now weighing his other options.

Voiced By: Valerie

Catchphrase: “Man, I only came to this party because you said there'd be free food, and look around, do you see any free food? I don't think so. Do you think we're just wasting our time? Do you think Taco Bell is still open? I think it is. I don't want to drink fruit punch. I don't want to sit around and talk to people. I want to chow down.”

Pickle Antagonist

He retells a story in which he challenged another customer to buy all of Alpha Beta's pickles. He looks just like Developer Dude.

Voiced By: Sarah

Catchphrase: “So I came to this party early and it turns out that I was talking to people I already know, like that guy over there, and I met him from the supermarket, and he was just hanging out by the pickles and talking about how much he loved pickles, and I was like, dude, why don't you just buy all of the pickles then, and what's fucking crazy is that he did buy all the pickles. He bought them and then he ate them and he drank all of the juice from the pickles and it was so gross, I almost vomited everywhere.”

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